Why do so many women who have good men...cheat on them....and women who have bad men...usually more often than not...stay with them?
by DJ Tammy Morgan
People have been asking this age old question...well, for ages! The problem is much more complex that we could ever imagine. Think about it: Here you have a perfectly good man, who goes to work every day, helps with the housework (or at least tries), takes care of his kids (if he has any), and is a pretty much all around "good guy". Next, you have his wife or his woman. This perfectly good man finds out some how, that his woman has cheated on him. Heartbreaking to say the least! The question is...why? Why would a woman cheat on a perfectly good man? There's no universal answer for this one I'm afraid.
The reason why I say that is because, no one really knows what is going on inside of this woman's head or heart. There is a strong possibility that she is just plain unhappy. Now before you come out of your underwear...let me say, yes, it appears that this woman may seem to have nothing to be unhappy about. But do we really know that? Do we know what their sex life is like? What is their financial situation? Are there any other major stressors going on in the marriage or relationship? Even though sex isn't everything...it is an important part of any healthy relationship that should not be taken lightly.
According to Relationship Therapist Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., in her book "Make up Don't Break up" she gives interesting reasons why some women may be inclined to wander:
1. We "Get off" on the Rush - Women crave the endorphin high from the initial attraction they feel toward a new guy.
2. We want attention - Women sometimes cheat because they feel taken for granted and a new lover give them the TLC that their man may not be giving.
3. We feel pressured - When women stress, (especially over a guy, they may seek out another stud to lean on as a distraction.
Communication is very important, and many fail to inculcate into their relationship. So when the communication lines are closed...bad things will happen. Whether it's infidelity, over-spending or some other tragic means of wrecking what seems to be a perfectly good relationship...it will happen when both parties fail to talk (to each other, not to your best girlfriend!) openly and honestly about what you are feeling. Being afraid to hurt a "good man's" feelings is not an excuse to by-pass telling him the truth. ie., I'm not happy, I'm not in love with you, our sex live is stressin' me, our finances are stressin' me" Whatever the case may be...talk about it. If you feel as though you cannot talk about it on your own...get help. There are many Therapists and Councelors that can help you put the pieces back together again.
Now, for the second half of the question:
Why do women who have bad men...usually more often than not...stay with them?
Many women, crave bad men. They do! The "bad boy" image has been sought out by many women! Thinking rationally, most women do not want a man that will physically, financially, or emotionally abuse them. So I'm assuming your question is along the lines of an abusive relationship. Why would a woman stay with a man who beats her up, calls her names, or withholds financial support? There are many reasons, and the majority have to do with self image or self esteem. Some have to do with childhood issues and/ or emotional problems. How women view themselves often determines what type of man she ends up with. If she allows herself to stay with a man who treats her inappropriately, her self esteem will slowly whittle away until she feels as though she has no choice but to endure what is dished out to her. She feels desparate and may feel as though she deserves to be treated this way, when in fact, no one deserves to be treated like an animal. Even animals have certain rights!
So let's break it down. Why would a woman, stay with a man who is not good for them? First of all, every woman who stays with a "bad man" has their own reasons. Some women who grew up in homes where they may have felt they were not valued, neglected or abused emotionally or physically, may grow up feeling that's the only kind of relationship that's possible. They may feel that drawn to neglectful or abusive men because those types of relationships are familiar to them. Most of us automatically avoid the unknown and unfamiliar. Some women who were abused or neglected as children, or grew up in homes where their mothers were abused even if the children were not, unconsciously seek out similar men in attempts to triumph over their childhood circumstances. They (and other trauma victims) may feel compelled to put themselves in similar abusive or neglectful circumstances again and again, each time believing they'll have a different outcome. It's an attempt to master the past trauma by convincing themselves (and perhaps others) that NOW they have control over the situation. But of course they usually end up being hurt again.
Some women who deny their childhoods were unhappy, neglectful or abusive, or who have amnesia for much of such childhoods, end up in what psychiatrist Richard Kluft has called "sitting duck syndrome" -- repeatedly abused in one relationship after another because they've got blinders on for the warning signs. If they allowed themselves to see (and feel) the danger signals of abuse and neglect, they might recognize those signals were also present in their childhood relationships with parents or siblings, and thus have to face some unpleasant realities about those childhood experiences. They may rather (at an unconscious level) continue to believe their parents were nonabusive, preserving their relationship with their parents at the cost of being able to recognize and respond to hurtful attitudes and behaviors in other relationships.
Another thing to consider is that abusive men may do a good job of convincing their partners that it's all their (the partner's) fault, and may isolate the partner from other sources of support so their victim is emotionally and financially dependent on them. Such men may lay on the charm and be very contrite after an explosion or breakup in efforts to win their partners back. A woman who's eager to believe her man will change can succumb to gifts and promises and convince herself (or at least try to convince herself) that things will be different from now on. Plus, as you may know, families or cultures in which women are viewed as subservient to men may encourage women to put up with abuse or neglect in order to cling to the man's status, or because divorce is considered shameful.
I hope this helps you understand some reasons women may persist in unhealthy relationships, or repeatedly become involved with abusive men. For more about general relationship dynamics, I recommend books by psychologist Harriet Lerner, such as The Dance of Intimacy. Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear also addresses ways in which many women override their intuition and place themselves in dangerous situations and harmful relationships.
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